Sunday, October 12, 2008

Remembering (and missing) my Dad - Paul David Sikes

Today it has been 11 years since my dad died. 11 years since my senior year of high school began, 10 years since I met my husband, 7 years since I got married, 4 years since the birth of my first child (who we named after his dad) and 20 months since the birth of my second child who we named after him (Finley Paul if you really have a bad memory!:) ) I remember being so fearful when Finley was born that my dad was going to get to hold him more than me, fearful that the child I wanted to name after him wouldn't get to carry his name long at all. Now, watching Finley play and laugh and eat and sleep, I feel like I see my dad daily... but it is still bittersweet. I wish that he could be here to see my precious boys be boys, to see J.T. get so excited about basketball (my dad's favorite), to see Finley sulk the way I did when he gets in trouble, to see what a wonderful man I married. It is usually the small things that creep up on me, but this past month it was a really big thing. Finley was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at our last doctor's visit. It is something that we suspected and deep down already knew, but it doesn't make it any easier to hear "out loud". Anyway, I remember thinking that day that I wish my dad were here because I know he would say something really goofy and awkward and probably embarass me to pieces, but inwardly I would smile and appreciate it because it would be just what I need. I feel so at odds with the world sometimes. My friend's dad recently came to town and we all went on a picnic and he was so wonderful with her and her children. He played with the kids and took pictures of us all goofing around. It is times like these that I wonder how my life would be different if he were still here. Sucks sucks sucks!!! Enough of my pity party. I intended to remember him with this blog right? Here goes: I miss the way my dad NEVER remembered the words to a song, I miss the way he would flex his muscles in the mirror in the morning when he was getting ready for work. I miss the way he would stick out his stomach like a pregnant woman and groan that he was ready to deliver! I miss him not wanting me to date or drive. I miss the way he said deodorant. I miss how much he loved to referee high school basketball games and then stick around to watch me cheer at mine (excuses old man!) I miss him wanting to be the "king of fun" for our family. I miss the way he would look at my brother when he was proud of him. Okay okay me too! I miss how he drank sweet tea and chocolate milk. I miss watching him try to eat a big hamburger (he had a small mouth!) I miss watching him pray or read his bible. I miss him telling me that he loved me unconditionally and I would miss him when he was gone. I miss that I didn't miss him enough when he was here and had no idea how much I would miss him. Mostly, I just miss him and having a daddy period. Johnny, my father-in-law, has been more of a dad to me than I could have ever imagined and I thank the Lord everyday for him. At the same time, I am praying for him tonight because he has recently lost his dad and I feel like I have some idea of what he must be feeling. I guess this is why I am so sad. It just brings back all of those memories of that Sunday 11 years ago. So, here's to my dad, my hero, the king of fun - "Party Pooper!"

7 comments:

Emily said...

Oh, I'm sorry you are having a tough time, but that was the sweetest, heart wrenching post. Although I can't imagine what it means to have someone you love so much not be physically present, you are very lucky to have your FIL. Hugs :)

Mac's Spot said...

Oh, Meredith..I have tears streaming down my face! Your dad would be so prud of you!! Love ya!
You sound like you need a blizzard w/ Chocolate Ice Cream...Not vanilla! Or a Big Fat Sonic Drink!

Caci said...

wow Meredith! Way to get your feelings written down. That is very difficult to do....thanks for the prayers offered up while we were in Texas...I definitely knew someone was praying for us...it was hard. You are doing a great job with your boys and I know your daddy would be so proud of his little girl!

Caci said...

p.s. I love your new blog layout!

Jaime said...

I really needed my waterproof mascara for this! I will never forget when all of us went to eat at that chinese place and I got so sick! I remember your dad was trying to drive slow over the speed bumps because my stomach was hurting so bad. You are the strongest woman I know. I know your dad is smiling down on you everyday and that he is so proud of the woman you have become. Miss you guys!

Dad T said...

Dear Meredith,

I never knew just how hurtfull losing your dad could be, that is until last week. I must say that it has given me a much more detailed look at you and your accomplishments after the loss of your dad. I just want to stay in bed. Anyway, my hat is off to you. You are very very strong. I no longer think of you as anything other than my own daughter. I know that you are not, but you are just as special and loved as any of my own chidren. I know that I cannot ever even begin to take his place. I do not want to. I would have enjoyed meeting your dad. I think we would have gotten along nicely. I can deduce a bit about your dad just by knowing you. You are a reflection of him, and you are wonderful.
Thinking of you always.... I love you truly.
Dad T

Missy said...

Gawly Meredith! I need the whole box of tissues! That was very heart felt and I thank you for sharing that with us!