Well, I haven't posted in a while because we have been super busy the past few months. At some point, I suppose I will blog about all of that, but for now my heart is aching and I just want to tell you about today.
At 12:30 p.m., Finley Paul will start preschool. Sigh. I knew this was coming. When he turns three (double sigh) he no longer qualifies for therapy services at home and must get them through the school district. So we picked out a backpack, HE picked out a motorcycle backpack, packed it with some extra clothes, all of his paperwork, emergency medication, etc. and at noon I will load him up in the car and try to drop him off. Try. Really hard. Maybe tomorrow?
As this day has been approaching, I can't help but catch myself thinking about the day he was born. I keep thinking about how he smelled and felt and made those sweet grunt-y noises that babies make. I'll skip all of the in between, but here we are almost three years later and I still think about how he feels and smells often.
When the boys are running through the house, I will often grab one of them up and hold them as long as they will let me. I smell their hair and their cheeks and try to hold onto it for the days I will no longer be able to.
Which brings me to the syrup. Finley, inevitably, always smells like syrup to me. I don't know why... he just does. This morning he smells like syrup and blueberries (probably from the blueberry pancakes we had for dinner). But other days he smells like syrup and playdoh, or syrup and a diaper (gross, I know). So, this morning as I was holding him and smelling his hair, J.T. asked me what I was doing to Finley. I told him I was just holding my baby and smelling his hair and he said, "What does he smell like mom?". I said, "Oh, you know, syrup and such" as the tears filled my eyes. J.T., being the super-sensitive child that he is, came and gave me a hug as well, and then said to me, with a straight face, "don't worry mom, I DO NOT smell like syrup-n-uch."
So, will you pray for me today? I know it seems so small to some people, but I feel like this is a big step for our family and is one of the final steps to no longer having babies in the house. I feel like I am closing the door on a huge part of my life and the ache it is leaving is painful right now....
5 comments:
Oh I know that terribly nostalgic feeling all too well. It's so, so hard to let the baby go. For me, for some reason it's easy to let O get big. He's the oldest and I expect it. But letting my baby grow up is next to impossible. I have these wild swings of emotion between being incredibly proud of how big she is and bitterly sad that she no long fits in the crook of my arm. In a month she will be six and every day something new makes me cry. I think no matter how many children you had, the last would make you feel this way. Hold him when you can and cry if you need to. I'll be praying this milestone doesn't ache too much :)
I know I just talked to you and heard all about your day but reading this made me cry! You are a great mom and both of your boys are lucky to have you! I know this must be hard for you but Finley will do so great at big boy school. He will always be your baby :)
Hang in there today! I know how hard it is! Hopefully he and you will adjust great, but it's always a hard milestone. I have cried when I've dropped each one off and I'm always one of the first back to get them. You could always have another one ;-)!
Reading this brings a tear to my eye. My baby will be 3 in October and I will have to make this transition myself. So I can understand your emotion. It is so hard. Praying that he loves school and for a smooth transition for both of you.
I hope the adjustment is going well!
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